Sincerity IS Scary.
As I write this article, I am lying in bed and exhausted, listening to the people in the flat above me stomp about.
I am exhausted in just about every way I can be. At times, it feels like life is one vicious cycle of just about getting by for a couple of weeks and then the next few... well, I'm sure you've felt it. Lately, 'imposter syndrome' has consumed me. Seriously, the second I cross the border of my private, secluded flat to the public world, the mask is on. "Hi!" "Hello! "How are you?" - always responded to with "Fine" or "I'm good!" when that could not be further from the truth. I know I am not the only person struggling with this.
Mental health crises are nothing new to me; honestly, they are one of the few constants in my life. I vividly remember being in primary school, using the house iPod (no cameras, vintage), and googling, "Why am I so sad all the time?" Google responded with the NHS link for 'depression' - this was alarming as fuck to me as a child. Am I sick? Am I dying? So, off I went and told my mum, who disregarded it (because why would a child who had a relatively good life be depressed?). Clearly, I do not have a 'sunny disposition'.
As I grew older, I developed OCD - the disorder which is massively misconstrued. A tip: if you use the term 'OCD' as a descriptor word for general cleanliness/particularity - don't. OCD is more than that if it even is that. Honestly, I'm not comfortable enough to disclose my intrusive thoughts on the internet. But I will tell you, they are torturous - and OCD compulsions are no fucking joke.
In high school, I had many friends, yet I always yearned to be alone, especially in junior school. I would disappear the minute class ended, take myself to a 'restricted area' and read a book. Literature always brought me comfort, even as a child - after getting a good telling-off, I would take myself to my room and sob into a book, reading for hours until I forgot anything had ever happened. Things changed as I got older, I embraced companionship and immersed myself in my studies. Sure, I enjoyed academia. I also enjoyed the escape it gave me - which brings us to this point. In July, I graduated from university (a bit of a shitshow, to be honest), and since then, I have been coming to terms with life outside of academia. What is next for me? Who am I? What do I want? Too many thoughts lead to no actions, and suddenly, it's been five months, and nothing has changed. Then, the doubt kicks in. Am I even good at writing? Am I too basic? Why do I have a degree? But also, do I want a master's?
Circling back to this idea of 'imposter syndrome' - recently, I got home from work and broke down. I felt like a phoney after putting a smile on my face all day, laughing with co-workers, having silly conversations and lying when I was asked how I was: I'm okay", "I'm fine", "Good! How are you?". So fraudulent of me when the real answer was, "Exhausted, barely getting by, feel like a shell of a person". Yet, when I spoke to my partner about how I was feeling, she said something along the lines of: "Eva, you have to remember, we're all faking a bit.". Was this helpful? Yes. Is it also incredibly sad? Yes. Personally (and I would presume this is the case for most of us), I have friends whom I care for deeply. Yet, I lie to them constantly, and vice versa. I may make an off-the-cuff comment about something that is bothering me, some childhood trauma, or things I have been through, but that's all it is... an off-the-cuff comment. Instagram memes in my DM's joking about fucked up fathers and feeling like shit all the time, but that's all they are... Instagram memes. No real conversations. I (and again, I would presume, most of us) are so used to privately dealing with our feelings and finding it cringe to speak about them that we think ourselves into the darkest pits of depression. Why? Because sincerity is scary. When you finally open up, where is the line between productive venting vs. trauma dumping? I won't sit here and say it isn't dead fucking awkward to open up to people, it is - but it's necessary and something which I will be trying to do going forward. I encourage you to do the same.
Suppose you know someone who struggles with their mental health or is showing signs that they might be; be patient with them. For some, it can be hard to clean, hard to take care of yourself, hard to text people back, hard to leave the house. For others, they are high-functioning depressives, people you would never identify as struggling with their mental health.
If, like me, you are struggling right now - I genuinely believe that things will get better. Depression may never leave, but it won't consume you forever.
Everything will be okay.
